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Sep. 9th, 2006 | 10:10 pm
location: Couch
Current Mood: boredbored
Current Music: Air Conditioner

What's it been 8 months? Long time has passed. With time we often feel we've grown wiser, but we'll leave that be for now, and just update with the facts. I've been clean of pot for about a month now, go me. I took my C/O test today and I think I did well. I'm still with Becky, things are going well from my POV, and her Mom's. I got her a laptop about a week ago. I've been saving a long while for this and I think she's pretty happy with it. She's sleeping next to me right now. Right now the most exciting thing going for me is the fact I have Monday off of work... my first shift cashier just got back from vacation and bought me a carton of smokes, I guess that means I'm doing a good job. I'm still up in the air about adding on to this house or to buying a new one but that'll figure itself out with time. Oh spit, I forgot, I got a cat and her name is Soren. She is absolutetly adorable, she's a black cat with a white patch on her chest. She's a big brat, but I can't stay mad at her. I've been drinking, first time in a while, I was looking forward to having a good night, chillin with Becky but she's sleeping and I have 40 minutes til I can wake her up so oh well. Uhhh... I got a raise at mobil, after taxes I'm now making 4 digits. I'm bored and drunk, so I'm going, but take care, and till next time.

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If There's A Fire, Let It Burn

May. 25th, 2006 | 05:26 pm
location: Shirtlessly On The Couch
Current Mood: exhaustedBeat
Current Music: AFI - Silver And Cold

Ugh..... so here I am hanging out on a beautiful Thursday afternoon, and I can't muster up enough strength to even shower off the stench, but to be fair, the stench has a powerful hold. Ewww, it's not really that bad, I just couldn't drop it. 2 hours at the gym with Priess today. It's kinda funny cause we started at the same time, but I had to take a month off to mono, but here today we weigh the same... 163!!! Damn right bitches, 138... you're dead to me. So I get to see Priess again tonight, us and his rommies are seeing the third installment of X-Men. Installment sounds like one of those words that stupid people use to sound smart... hmmmmm. My bass isn't getting much play, but alas, between the gym, work, and reading up on the indefined art of serial killing... whaddya mean? indefined's a word.. jerk... anyways, I've been having fun with the bass over this past year, but I'm ready for a guitar again. Tada. I'm not mad anymore, it just can't ever be the same, and though I don't understand your reasons, I understand you have them. Torment the forlorn, and abandon those in need. For your listening pleasure give The Used - I'm a Fake a try. He plays around with how he's not on herion anymore and that's wonderful.

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(no subject)

May. 17th, 2006 | 12:33 am
Current Mood: calmAwake
Current Music: Ben Folds Five - Brick

Commercial patent idea: Man hugging giant burrito.

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Fabio

Apr. 29th, 2006 | 08:37 pm
location: Couch
Current Mood: rejuvenatedrejuvenated

My friend told me that one time he met Fabio on the streets. As he was passing by my friend said the got a whif of his scent, and just for a second he turned gay. I don't know how Fabio smells so good, some say he made a secret pact with satan. I also read a magazine article that said long ago they were going to make a Fabio fragrence but all the other fragrence guys got together and called him out of some momopoly charges or something. Point made, Fabio smells really good.

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Alone

Apr. 26th, 2006 | 07:51 pm
location: Floor.... Wirelessly
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: Bullet For My Valentine - Tears Don't Fall

Some of the best times in my life are when I'm alone
I mean alone, as in sleeping alone
As in dreaming alone, working alone
Wishing alone, and masturbating alone
When I'm alone I'm devoting to myself

And I'm dreaming of whoever
Someone who is the only for me
The person I've yet to met
And all alone I'm happy alone

All the money I make is for me
And I can buy the world for myself
I drink, I smoke, and I'm happy
All alone I have no one to answer to

I dream of you, the person I love
And she makes me happy, not alone
I do everything I want
And she's always happy, we're always happy

And when I'm with you, I'm not happy
I'm always guilty, I'm always me
You're not my dream, you're mine
And I keep wondering... why?

And you're always happy, I'm always me
But I'm always me, and I'm guilty
I'm the prisoner of my own greed, I need it all
But there's you, and you're in love with me

And I still want for me
And I still love you
You make me not want me
You make me... me.

I don't want me, I want you
Me is greed, and you're my cure-all
I wish I could be
All that you mean to me

And me is poison built on bridges
And I'm wilting while you're all on me
The way is too long for you to go
All alone, look in my eyes

What would you do if you saw me
Bleeding without you, burning bridges
Please help me stop dying
While I'm here in front of you

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Prevent? Advent.

Apr. 25th, 2006 | 04:22 pm
location: Wirelessly On The Floor
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Coheed And Cambria - From Fear Through The Eyes Of Madness

Guess who's having their best buddy over in an hour to get blitzed and watch FFVII? Damn right. Fuckers.

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Fear Is The Secret Ingredient

Apr. 24th, 2006 | 04:02 pm
location: Wirelessly On The Couch
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Coheed And Cambria - Devil In Jersey City

So my warehouse is wireless now. Now that I had the freedom of a laptop and the power supply got made dead, I had little choice but to take the PC out of retirement. I actually buckled down and got it back up to par yesterday. I got the wireless keyboard and mouse, and the RC audio jacks so it's routed to my stereo (great for music!)
So I think I may be starting to lapse into insanity (an accepted legal term, not medical). Days follow days. Weeks follow weeks. And a little more each time they pass by, I feel like everything is worthless. Not in the depressive want to destroy myself kind of way, but in the sense of who am I? Another day passes, and one more time I feel less and less. I can appreciate, I can love, and I can hate, but when emotion is taken away... who am I? I made this journal for myself, and have decedided to share it with 2 other people, but it's not even the poiint that few people read this. It's more the point that all of this writing means nothing........
Also on a creepy unrelated side note. I'm falling in love with serial killers. It's fascinating how they can be such well mannered, socially beneficial, seemingly sane people, and yet have such an obscured sense of reality, of the simple basis of right and wrong.
I think I'm losing sense of what death is. And I know that this all looks really bad one paragraph after another, but when I write that I mean to say that I'm losing sense of what defines life. Do I try to be too deep? Is this style of writing who I am, or is what defines me? Who we are based in society, is that something different than who we are? And if it is, then what's the difference of our public self and ourself? I'm afraid. I've been thinking a lot lately. Nothing seems to make sense anymore. Was I narrow-minded? Everything seemed so understandable when I was younger, and they say teenagers know it all, but, I don't know what's changed. Why is life seemingly so different than it was? And it's not even in a bad way, it's just... different. And once again I'll say it. All of this writing means nothing.

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Technological Reprise

Apr. 20th, 2006 | 05:46 pm
location: Couch
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: Fire Emblem Music

It seems to me that technology is going ahead too fast. Seriously, look at the past 50 years and what's happened, vs. what's happened in the past 300 years. Where will we be in another 100 years??? Don't really matter though cause I'll be dead... or will I? That and when we have kids we'll be like, I remember back in the good old days when Mario was 2 dimensional, and they'll be like "Mario??? I read about that in my history scan" (cause they probably won't be using text books anymore, they'll be using a super high technological slabs that they call scans) It's 420, and may you have a merry one, Becky just came over and I know I'm going to.

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It's All About The Music

Apr. 19th, 2006 | 10:40 pm
location: Bed
Current Mood: indescribableWaiting
Current Music: Anything That Sounds Good

So if I ever make a band and a C.D. and all that... I think it would be the following.

Album: Looking Through Time

Track 1: Love Through Logic

Track 2: Twisting And Turning

Track 3: The Soulfull

Track 4: Props To Peace

Track 5: Torment Forlorn

Track 6: Oh yeah! I've deceided that when I get a dog I'm going to name it Chronos. Either that or Jack Steel, cause no matter how strong of a name you have, Jack Steel's will overpowers yours.

Here's some of the lyrics of the day.
I love myself, I want you to love me
When I feel down, I want you above me
I search myself, I want you to find me
I forget myself, I want you to remind me
I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself
You're the one who makes me happy honey
And you're the sun that makes me shine
When you're here I always laughing
I want to make you mine
I close my eyes, and see you before me
Think I would die, if you were to ignore me
A fool could see, just how much I adore you
I'd go down on my knees, I'd do anything for you

We're hated, we're bleeding
We're loving, you're losing
Our lives are all about to change
There go the lights
To the world I've made in my head
Now I'll make a stand
I'll scratch out my eyes
I won't stop til you are dead
I hope that
And pray that
One day
You will realize
You were always
My biggest inspiration
The pain you've caused has built
What I've become
Now we might as well be strangers
Won't be a corpse so you can drag
Your
Dead
I've been blessed by the fires
By the fires of your Hell

I think that's it. It seems like the company I applied for is starting to get serious about the resume (it's not an application anymore, it's a resume :D ) At any rate, it's funny cause depending on how this goes, my life could seriously change. Side note - I'm pretty sad that there's people in my life that I've lost. I feel like I reach out to certain individuals, and they either choose to ignore, or to not care. I know that I'm hard headed at times, but I'm sick of feeling like there's some kind of huge joke going on behind my back, like I'm the retarded kid that no one tells is retarded. And I can't even be sarcastic anymore: it doesn't make me glad that people think I'm some sort of fucking moron who doesn't deserve a chance to prove anything. I'm done feeling like I've got anything to prove to anyone. Behind all of your stresses, I hope your happy, because if I'm "taking it easy", then at least I can say I'm enjoying my life, but I'm done reaching out to anyone that won't try back. Just wait until you all look back at your life, I hope in the end the life you choose was worth it, cause God only gives you one chance. On a second side note, I think my mom might be going through menopause. It would make sense considering the woman I remember and the person she is now. Either that or I'm just a failure to her, either way, see the first side note.

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Here We Go

Apr. 3rd, 2006 | 06:03 pm
location: Couch
Current Mood: tiredWorn
Current Music: The Used - I Caught Fire

So it's been quite a while since I've updated, so here it all is. First order of business: I'm eating a grilled chicken spinach salad, and it's fucking awesome. I got a Razor phone for myself and Becky, saving us both like 10 bucks a month. I got both the phones for... dun dun dun, nothing! Life is good... Did me some yard work yesterday, I hoed the ground, not really need to know information, I just like saying that I hoed :D My laptop is the shit, and without it, I think I just might go crazy. So here I am today, updating journal, eating salad with a healthy glass of pinot noir, a bowl of pot/hash (which I must say is quite relaxing), and just enjoying whatever's left of my day, I had a syracuse meeting today. We went to syracuse to meet the distributors that are buying us. So as I was settling into the meeting room I started chatting with the guy next to me about all of it. I was talking about Red-Kap, the distributor buying me, and what I thought about the whole transaction, and he seemed to be interested in it. So when myself and 1 other of 30 managers went in the other room to talk to Red-Kap, wouldn't you know it he got up to. Turns out his name is John and he's the vice president of Red-Kap. Good thing I said good things about his company! He seemed to be a nice guy and I liked what he had to say and while I wouldn't mind working for him, truth be told I'm tired of working in a gas station. Which brings me to the next point. 2 days ago I applied for a job that I'm overqualified for doing the same essential job, only in retail, not a c-store. The positive - $12,000 raise. The negative - It's in Pittsfield, MA. All in all, Becky and I have talked about it, and I think I'm shooting for it. I think I have a really good shot, I'm qualified, and I've got an old friend pulling for me, so let's see. The good thing about MA, is that the cost of living is low, so I'd be moving into a larger house, while cutting my expenses. Becky said she'd come with me, and that's all that I need. Hell yeah! It's been over 6 months since I've last cut myself! I'm doing great on my pills now. And first and foremost I need to give props to Becky for sticking it out. She's seen a couple of ugly incidents, and even though she's against most kinds of pills, she's stayed by my side, almost since the beginning, and she's been a tremendous help. I finally feel like a real person again, after years of feeling dead inside. I went to the taste of chaos tour and saw Reflex and Mike there, I bought reflex a beer after his harsh persausion! I've been watching Def Poetry lately, even if it's ghetto, it's pretty good and deep. Mike just gave me his Christmas present, it was a book called The Dante Club. I had started reading it, and it's REALLY GOOD, that's probably what I'll work on after this update and dinner. Ahh Dante, is there anything you can't do, even after so many years after you've died?
So Becky. I'm not even sure when you'll be reading this, I know we don't go on much anymore, but you've changed my life. I used to think in black and white, but you've opened me to so many things that I never knew exsisted. It's like you were my best friend I never met. I can talk to you about anything, not once have I been afraid to be open and honest with you. Sometimes it's easy to tell people what they want to hear. Whenever I've had a problem, or something I felt guilty for, or anything that I didn't want to have to repeat aloud, I always knew I could go to you. For lack of a better word, it's really cool that you understand so well. You truely are all that I want, you're all that I need. It's too hard and lengthy to be politically correct, so here's the blunt truth... hehehe remember the blunt truth? I look at other girls and you know it, but make no mistake that I would never trade you for any single one of them, even for just a night. I can't explain to you how it feels to fall asleep in your arms every night. Hell, I'm not even sure what level it affects me, physically it's great, emotionally I'm connected, and even spiritually, I'm glad that I've found you, my like minded wonder girl :) Wrapping this up, I love you, and I'll go wherever you do.
Jeremy I miss you, call me.

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